Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them,
Matthew 21:37 But last of all he sent unto them his son,...
Matthew 23:4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne,
Matthew 21:38  But when the husbandmen saw the son,
Matthew 23:7 And greetings in the markets,
Matthew 15:16 Are you also yet without understanding?
Matthew 16:11 How is it that you do not understand that I spoke [it] not to you concerning bread,
Matthew 17:25 What do you think, Simon?
Matthew 18:18 ...Whatsoever you shall bind on earth
Matthew 21:42 Did you never read in the scriptures...
Matthew 15:8 This people draweth nigh unto me
Matthew 21:39  And they caught him, and cast him
Matthew 23:10 Neither are you called masters:
Matthew 15:17 Do you not yet understand,
Matthew 16:13 Whom do men say that I
Matthew 17:26 Then are the children free.
Matthew 21:43 Therefore I tell you, The kingdom of God
Matthew 23:8 But do not let yourself be called Rabbi:
Matthew 15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth
Matthew 16:17 Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: f
Matthew 17:27 Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them,
Matthew 21:44 And whoever falls on this stone shall be broken:
Matthew 23:9 And call no man your father upon the earth:
Matthew 22:7  But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth:
Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts,
Matthew 16:18 ...That thou art Peter,
Matthew 20:8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard...
Matthew 22:8 Then he said to his servants, The wedding is ready,
Matthew 23:11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.
Matthew 16:15 But whom say ye that I am?
Matthew 22:9 Go therefore into the highways,
Non-Jesus Verse: Matthew 24:3 The Apostle's Question
Matthew 15:20 These are [the things] which defile a man:
Matthew 16:19 And I will give to you the keys of the kingdom...
Matthew 18:4 Whoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child,
Matthew 20:11 And when they had received [it],
Matthew 22:11 And when the king came in to see the guests,
Matthew 23:12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased;
Matthew 17:12 ...Elias is come already,
Matthew 22:10 So those servants went out into the highways,
Matthew 15:24 I am not sent but unto the lost sheep
Matthew 16:25 For whoever will save his life shall lose it:
Matthew 20:13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend,
Matthew 22:13 Then the king said to the servants,
Matthew 23:13 But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!
Matthew 22:12 And he said to him, Friend, how
Matthew 14:18 Bring them here to me.
Matthew 15:26 It is not good to take the children's bread
Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited,
Matthew 20:14 Take yours and go your way:
Matthew 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.
Matthew 23:15 Woe unto you...for you compass sea and land to make one proselyte
Matthew 20:6 And about the eleventh hour
Matthew 15:28 O woman, great [is] your faith:...
Matthew 16:27 For the Son of man shall come
Matthew 20:18 Behold, we go up to Jerusalem...
Matthew 22:19 Shew me the tribute money.
Matthew 23:23 Woe unto you...for you pay tithes of mint and anise and cumin,
Matthew 20:9 And when they came that [were hired]
Matthew 22:20 Whose is this image and superscription?