Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 15:26 It is not good to take the children's bread
Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited,
Matthew 20:14 Take yours and go your way:
Matthew 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.
Matthew 23:15 Woe unto you...for you compass sea and land to make one proselyte
Matthew 20:6 And about the eleventh hour
Matthew 18:8 Wherefore if your hand or your foot offend thee,
Matthew 20:10 But when the first came,
Matthew 28:19 Go you therefore, and teach all nations...
Matthew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things
Matthew 19:23 Truly I tell you, That a rich man shall...
Matthew 15:10 Hear, and understand
Matthew 18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out,
Matthew 19:29 And every one that has forsaken houses,
Matthew 16:10 Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand,
Matthew 9:24 Give place: for the maid is not dead,
Matthew 18:6 But whoever shall offend one of these little ones
Matthew 18:7 Woe unto the world because of offences!
 Matthew 22:18 Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites?
Matthew 5:13 You are the salt of the earth:
Matthew 5:14 You are the light of the world.
Matthew 6:23 But if your eye is evil,
Matthew 6:26 Behold the birds of the air:
Matthew 6:27 Which of you by worrying
Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you:
Matthew 6:28 And why are you worried about clothing?...
Matthew 7:27 And the rain descended, and the floods came,
Matthew 6:30 Wherefore, if God so clothes the grass
Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God...
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not think about tomorrow:
Matthew 5:25 Agree with your adversary quickly,
Matthew 6:29...That even Solomon in all his glory
Matthew 7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord,
Matthew 8:26 Why are you fearful,